im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
