I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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