What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
