There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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