i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
