I wish they made helmets for livers.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
