Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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