I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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