you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
