she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
