I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
