did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
