I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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