I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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