I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
