can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize