I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
