I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
