my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
