Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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