Your mouth is God's brothel.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
