I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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