I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
