I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
