last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
