The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
