Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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