I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
