I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
