he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
