My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
