someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sobbing to NWA
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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