The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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