everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
