sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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