how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
