Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
