Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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