guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
