Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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