and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
tell me about the fingering
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
