If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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