pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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