Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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