I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
