The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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