90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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