I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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