omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
