I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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