A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
