I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
