so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
