Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
