I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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