I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
