FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
