I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
